Beardly = Manly

I have a beard. In fact, I've had some form of facial hair almost constantly since my peach fuzz turned into whiskers. Sometimes an actual beard, sometimes a G.E.D. of beards(also known as a goatee). Once or twice I even took it all the way down to a nice, trashy 'stache. I love my beard, and we rarely part ways, which is why I don't understand when people act surprised to see me with a beard. I've gotten the "Grizzly Adams" thing a lot, which gets old, but whatever. He did train Grizzly bears and have a nice beard, so he couldn't have been too bad of a dude. The newest jab at my man-hood, is just plain stupid though..."Are you trying to be Duck Dynasty?" What the hell does that even mean? I have a beard because men should have beards. I can't help it that God gave me testicles that produce enough testosterone to make me do manly things like hunt, fish, grill meat, drink whiskey(WITHOUT Coke in it), grow my own food when I can, and grow a beard. Phil Robertson and his clan have nothing to do with my beardliness. Now there's nothing wrong with that bunch of rednecks on Duck Dynasty. They're a bunch of God fearing, intelligent(for the most part), duck killing coon-asses, and those qualities combined can't make a bad person. However, no, I'm not "trying to be Duck Dynasty", nor am I trying to be like one of the Robertson guys(even though I would shoot a duck and drink a beer with them). I just don't understand why people automatically think of those guys when they see a beard now. And why do I have to be trying to be them? I mean, some of the greatest men in history have had a beard:

Jesus Christ himself

Gen. Robert E. Lee

The Hag

Ernest Hemingway

Thomas Green Clemson

Hank Williams Jr.

Kris Kristofferson

Capt. Woodrow F. Call

Why doesn't anyone ever ask me if I'm trying to be any of them?

Women love beards too. Don't let them lie to you and tell you that they prefer a smooth face. A woman that will tell you that, isn't really looking for a man...more like a gay friend that they can share girly secrets with. Here's a secret ladies; men that have a beard(or one of the other studly fashions of facial hair), will take care of you. A man with a smooth, shiny face is going to have a hard time changing a tire or cooking you a fancy candlelight supper(he might also steal some of your fancy face lotion when he runs out of after-shave). We bearded ones have qualities that come only with beards, and those qualities increase exponentially when plaid is thrown in the mix.

Now sometimes nature just won't let a man grow a beard, and I feel for those people. I really do. You have to do your best to maintain manhood with your patchiness. And as long as you're man enough to give it all you've got, you get an "A" for effort in my book. ZZ Top's beards didn't just show up overnight, you know.

For the most part, beards almost always equal a great man. Almost. There have been times when beards belonged to bastardly people. That sonofabitch Gen. Sherman is the first one that pops into my mind, but I don't have time for negativity, so enough of that.

In closing, the next time you think about asking a man if he has grown a beard to "be like Duck Dynasty", don't. That's like a slap in the whiskers to all of the truly great bearded men throughout history. Instead, compliment them on their manliness and tell them that Papa Hemingway would be proud of their accomplishment. And please, don't smirk at beards or any of their kin-folk; goatees, mustaches(which also have a special place in history), Civil War-esque sideburns, etc., that's just rude. Besides, if beards are so wrong, why do they keep trying to come back when you shave them?

If you're interested in seeing awesome beards and learning new beard-isms, check out thebeardly.com